At this point Im only writing for myself. So I guess I should just go for it, right?
I forgot to mention in my last entry that Ive been applying for jobs..so far I have only been able to successfully apply at Target. According to the website (where I applied), the application is valid for 60 days after its completed, if after 60 days they do not contact me for a job or interview or whatever than I have to re-apply..that application took me a good hour or so to finish. Ugh. I tried applying for Applebee's,Marshalls,TJ Maxx etc etc...and nothing. I hate being here in the city. New York City is horrible to find jobs..even as a bloody dishwasher!!..I dont care I'll do that!!..Shiitt..I just really want a job (or 2) so I can get the heck out of the states. I dont care what you think/say...it is VERY difficult to get a decent job in the city without a high school diploma or GED.
Im sick and tired of my Mum saying:
''I see all those girls you pretty much grew up with...all those girls you went to Pre-K and Kindergarten with,all through Elementary, Middle and Highschool..I see them all the time..and ALL OF THEM are in college. Every single one graduated highschool or got their GED as soon as they dropped out of highschool..but you...you have to be different..you have to be the individual, YOU HAVE TO BE THE ONE THAT DOESNT GET HER EDUCATION...Ive tried everything with you...but I just dont know what to do, anymore..I also see that they are dressing really, nice..hair done, makeup nice, nice clothes and then I look at you. And it makes me sad.''
(Keep in mind that this is the condensed version of what she says.)
She thinks Im a failure. According to her, my father and her ''were intimate'' (eww) from 1986- early 1989 without any form of contraception trying to have a baby but it never happened. She tried everything she could think of to get pregnant, but nothing worked. She went to visit her family in her home country in December of 1988 and they gave her '' a special liquid mix thing'' (For lack of a better word)..when she came back home, she drank it..and tried again for a baby..it worked slowly..January,February and then March of 1989 came around and they tried again, and in March she became pregnant..she already knew it was a girl, and November came around and I popped out of her 10 year olf C-section scar (from my older brother).
That's all great and everything...except for the fact that she constantly tells me that even though she was trying to have another baby for so long...the way I was really conceived was when my father ''raped'' her...and she repeats this..like its a joke..whether its true or not..that not the type of thing you joke about..especially not with the ''product'' or the rape. And ofcourse..Ive said this before...my father's father insisting that my mother abort me....yeah...I was a ''wanted'' child...(that was my sarcasm by the way).
So if all this is true..you can see why it would hurt even more that I ''turned out this way''. Sometimes I think she regrets drinking that stuff. Sometimes I think she wishes she would of just had my brother, or had me with someone else..or even would of had a boy instead of me. My whole life..Ive tried to make my Mum happy..I think back to 2nd grade (I have excellent memory) and all I can remember is how I felt back then..I wish I could have just a dash of that back. I wish I could go back there..and tell little me not to screw up. To go to school..to listen to her Mum and to behave. I wasnt a bad kid, I didnt do drugs, join a gang or smoke anything..I wasnt having sex or having babies or partying like there's no tomorrow, getting drunk and coming home at 3 am. And yet in her eyes Im still ''a bad kid''.
I wish I could just make her proud..it I atleast enter and finish university..I wonder if that would make her proud or is she has just lost hope in me. I wouldnt be surprised if she did to be honest. I want to just get this high school thing over with..truth be told I left school in 2007..I went back in September for like a week and a half..and never went back ( I HATED THAT SCHOOL)...I then enrolled in an online high school program..but that got to be expensive, boring and time consuming and now I owe money to them. LOTS of it, literally over a 1,000$. So my Mum pretty much has to pay that, plus for my transcripts, plus to leave the program, then she has to pay for me to enter another program here, then I have to finish that, then while doing that I have to work to raise enough money to be able to live in Amsterdam for atleast 6-8 months without having to literally live on the street. While Im in school and working and raising money I would also have to go to different places here to get everything I need to live in Amsterdam:
-A valid passport
-have health insurance with cover in the Netherlands;
-sign a declaration of awareness;
-not constitute a risk to public order;
-be prepared to undergo an examination for tuberculosis;
-have sufficient funds;
-have a (provisional) proof of registration at an educational institution.
(the above was from the Dutch website)
And I have to apply for residency and get it,fly to Amsterdam, look for a flat,pay to rent it, Buy enough food to last me atleast a month and a half ( I would be alone, so it would probably last me longer),apply for jobs in Amsterdam and on top of all that I HAVE TO LEARN DUTCH!!..I know..I know what you're thinking..why are you piling all this up on yourself Dia?...Why not just pick one or two things..perhaps even three and go with that..then when you finish one of those things pick up another and do it that way until you finish all of them.....why Dia?!...Why?!...
Answer: Because I dont know how to live in the now.. I plan for things like 5,10, 15, 20 years in advance...this is why Im Hindu and not a Buddhist ;p (lol)
Another thing you might ask is: why not study in New York, or even the states, why another country?
Answer: I considered Arizona State University for a while and even University of Hawaii at Manoa in Honolulu...and now I want to go to Amsterdam..I want to leave this shitty country and its shitty government (No Im NOT anti-Obama..or rascist)...I want to live in a country where its technically a Monarchy. I want to get as far away from New York as I possibly can..without losing whatever is left of my mind. I hate to say this but I believe that the only way to ''repair'' the relationship with my Mum (if thats even possible) is to leave. Just go away for atleast one semester until everything cools off. And then maybe come to visit, at the end of the second semester. I hope by then everything will be okay between us. Contrary to popular belief, I DO LOVE AND CARE FOR MY MUMMY!!!!
Oh...and did I mention that I hope to accomplish everything I just mentioned about school and work (not the relationship with my Mum part)...I mean GED, WORK AND AMSTERDAM...before IM 21.
.............................Yeah......
tot straks!,
Dia
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